HOPE

Dear Diary

I imagined this moment so many times but never expected it to happen without a father. A daughter needs a father to stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father. Your wedding day is supposed to feel like a magical memory right?  White mermaid dress with sparkles, bridesmaids wearing light blue dresses and groomsmen wearing white suits and light blue bow ties. A beautiful outside view of a huge waterfall with thousands of flowers everywhere. Usually the fairy tale ends with the girl marrying her prince but my fairy tale is having my father walk me down the ale to marry a man who loves me just as much as he does. Well that’s my fantasy, it never got to come to light for me because my father past away before I was born. Never got the chance to even have a father, he was taken from me by gun violence. Both my parents were young and they both was excited to bring me into the world. They had so much support from their families. They imagined everything to be so perfect. My mother was beyond hurt when my father was killed. She then started to believe she couldn’t take care of me without my father. When I was born she couldn’t even look at me. I looked so much like my father it broke her heart. I wish I got to know both my parents , from the stories I heard they both seem like two teens who loved each other and was looking forward to raising me. It all seemed so simple , guess not. Today is my wedding day and I can’t think about nothing more but to have my father walk me down the ale and my mother looking beautiful watching me walk down the ale but it’s just a fantasy. These tears are hard to hold back, I thought by writing this all down it would make it easier. Why couldn’t my life be that simple ? Am I good enough? I hate the fact that I have to question my worth. I guess it’s just a piece of me missing. No one in the world could love a girl more than her father, at least that’s what I believed. But I can say I am happy and looking forward to the next chapter in my life with my new lovely husband.

    Dear Diary

  Hope is my name, my mother named me that because she had a positive mindset about life. She thought if she had hope nothing can get in her way. Anything was possible,  I wish I could of heard this story about my name from my mother but my grandmother told me. My mom left me with my grandmother at the age of 5, As a young girl I wondered why my mother wasn't there. Did she love me ? What was so wrong with me to where she couldn't stay and take care of me.

My mother wasn't there for me, and I'm thankful for that,  I got the chance to be raised by my loving and caring grandma. I started to have hatred towards my mother, she chose drugs over me. My grandmother did nothing but defend her. She had so much hope in her getting her life together and always told me to have faith, she’ll come around. I am 28 years old today, I'm pregnant with my first child and I had a gender reveal party today, found out I was having a girl. My mom was there, it was hard sharing the experience with her. She wants to be in my life now that I am an adult and I’m hesitating to let her in. I don't want her to treat my daughter how she treated me, in and out of her life. Then again this is a moment that should be shared with your mother. I really didn't want to hold this experience from her. She wrote me a letter reaching out to me, that said.

March 4, 2024

To my daughter Hope

I remember the good times we shared, I try to look forward and not think about the past. It was hard raising you without your father, he was my rock. You and your father meant everything to me. I let drugs and the outside world get the best of me. I thought  I couldn't be the mother that you deserved. I thought I couldn't do it alone. Well at least I felt alone. As a little girl you believe moms are supposed to be perfect and I wasn't that perfect mom for you. I wanted to be everything you imagined and more, my mother gave me that and it was wrong for me to take that away from you. I have never been a great mom or the best I can be and at times I have failed by the things I have done wrong, for those things I am sorry. As your reading this I don't want you to cry, but as I'm writing this my eyes are not dry. You are a big piece of my life that is now gone and everything feels so wrong. I hope you can find our love that is lost, the mistakes I made came at a very high cost, and as I was gone for all these years I thought about how you would turn out without me and your father and now your a beautiful women. I am thankful for your grandmother for taking care of you when I couldn't. You have a new daughter now growing inside you and I hope that you feel each of her kicks with pride. You will feel love like never before, your little family is who you will adore. It is a new beginning, it completes you as a women. Pregnancy is beautiful moment and I wasn't there for you as a child, and if you let me I would love to build with you in your adult years.         

From you loving mother       TO LOVE AND HAPPINESS

After reading her letter it really touched my heart. It showed me that she really does care, And it feels good to know that she wants to build a relationship with me and her future granddaughter. A mother's love is forever, as children we can't really comprehend the meaning of our mothers love. Years go by and we can look through older eyes and wiser hearts a mothers love and loyalty. And I have no doubt that she doesn't love me and I will love my daughter unconditionally.

Dear Diary                                                                               

As years flew by my daughter is 5 years old at the moment. This is a huge      accomplishment for me and I look in the mirror with greatness in my eyes. Tears begin to drizzle down my cheeks and I told myself you’re a great mother. My husband comes behind me whipping my tears kissing me softly on my neck telling me how proud he is. My heart begins to overflow with joy and love knowing that I conquered my doubts. Doubts that something could happen to me before my daughter knows who I am, thoughts of knowing the pain she’ll have to endure on her own. Also doubts of her not having a loving grandmother  but that doubt was only a fear, my mom is consistent in her life and that’s a blessing. These 5 years showed me that through my doubts I am and will continue to be a great mother. Not only does my daughter have a loving father and mother she has an amazing grandmother. My mom came around and even though she wasn't there in my life as a child and I can very much well say that she is there for my daughter every step of the way. I had so many worries, and now I have a clear mind. Now I can sit and write with a smile on my face and pride in my heart and truly say I believe my mother is a great person. And I forgive her, she has proved to me that she is capable willing and having hope, and taking responsibility for her actions. Life is great and i'm beyond grateful. But I still wonder? How it would be if my father was here. How could I miss a man I never knew. Growing up with my grandmother she always talked about my mother but never my father? Was she afraid of how I would feel. Did she think i was hurt enough with not having my mother in my life. Even though I didn't get the chance to met him I still feel like I know him. I hope he is looking down on me and is proud. I accomplished so much without both my parents. As of today I can say that through all the pain I endured I am thankful for all the things that happened to me. It made me who I am today and I wouldn't change one bit of it. I honestly believe everything happens for a reason. If I didn't go through what I went through I wouldn't be who i am today.